Late into the hours of the night last night I sat, staring at the wall and pondering the universe. The inside in my throat continues to be painful and that pain is persistent. In spite of the tenacious pain, I have been struggling to gradually reduce my dependence on pain medications. The result — too edgy with nervous anxiety to sleep, and yet too exhausted to occupy my mind with anything but aimless wanderings.
I considered the journey I have ventured on to this point – a long journey by my standards. But many have undertaken far more lengthy and arduous passages in life. My voyage has been both personalized and laden with purpose. I have been called upon to learn something. And I might succeed in escaping the education which my Father in Heaven so desperately wants me to grasp. So many prayers and blessings exerted in my behalf, all over the world, might indeed persuade me that I could be healed and slip from the grasp of destruction. There are things I have to do, missions yet to fulfill and ‘miles to go before I sleep.’
But immediate healing, and escape from pain, is unlikely. Heavenly Father doesn’t waste his time. No. In spite of the faith of the righteous and the power of the cosmos – all effectually called upon my head in hearts to the altars of holy temples which dot the earth – God is not through with me. And he has made no pronouncement to the contrary. Father, I love thee with all my heart.
Answers to my petitions in personal prayer and priesthood blessing have reaffirmed the realities of my situation as my ordeal progresses. I have been counseled to follow the instructions of my doctors, submit to their treatment, to endure to the end of this medical process, and to be patient under the length of that care. That does not sound to me like a miraculous and instantaneous flash of televangelical healing power – though Heavenly Father still manifests his power with such healing command. No, my miracle may be even more dramatic, in teaching me to be more humble, more patient in affliction, and more long-suffering in endurance. ‘So Father, in the midst of my ongoing ordeal, I ask a simple fulfillment of the promise that thou hast always made to thy children – and to me. Walk with me Father. Take me by the hand, let me cling to thy side, bear me up in the gloom which goeth before – and abide with me. That is enough.
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I remember reading somewhere (generally I CAN remember where – tired brain) that God didn’t give Job boils because they looked nice. Which was, I assume, a simple way of saying trials have a purpose, as you have so eloquently pointed out.
I remember one point in time in my life where I took comfort from the Lord’s words to The Prophet Joseph Smith in Doctrine and Covenants Section 121:10 – “Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job. ”
Like I said, I took comfort in that…until they did.
This began to happen not so long (in hindsight) after I joined the Church. “Stand up for truth and make certain you are not silenced” often means that people stop listening and walk away.
Did you know that Los Angeles (the city where your hardcore pixie dancing violinist now resides) was incorporated as an American city on April 4, 1850. Five months later, California was admitted into the Union. Although the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo required the U.S. to grant citizenship to the Indians of former Mexican territories, the U.S. did not get around to doing that for another 80 years. The Constitution of California deprived Indians of any protection under the law, considering them as non-persons. As a result, it was impossible to bring an Anglo to trial for killing an Indian or forcing them off their property. Anglos concluded that the “quickest and best way to get rid of (their) troublesome presence was to kill them off, (and) this procedure was adopted as a standard for many years.”
It actually still is the standard in many areas.
The publishing industry is racist (as explained by two New York agents).
Name some Native American actors, writers, directors, producers, novelists, opera singers or composers off the top of your head (without resorting to Google) and see how long it takes you. So yeah, career opportunities suck.
Native Americans are never thought of as heroes.
Even after I’ve saved lives. In fact, risked my life to save others. Most of time I don’t even get a thank-you.
Shannon Lee did a TED Talk and in it she altered a quote from her famous Dad, Bruce: “Discard all thoughts of reward, all hopes of praise and fears of blame, all awareness of one’s bodily self, and let your HERO out as it will.”
(I feel a song coming on!)
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell for a heavenly cause
And I know if I’ll only be true to this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I’m laid to my rest
And the world will be better for this
image: http://static.urx.io/units/web/urx-unit-loader.gif
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell for a heavenly cause
And I know if I’ll only be true to this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I’m laid to my rest
And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star
“The Impossible Dream (The Quest)” composed by Mitch Leigh, with lyrics written by Joe Darion
Among others I like the Ron Raines version. You can find it on youtube
I hope it lifts your spirit. It never fails to lift mine. Happy healing.
Mr Stirling,
your post brought me to tears, although I didn’t understand every single word. I was wondering how you were doing and I am glad, you still bring your feelings into words. I wish you our heavenly fathers comfort, guidance and strength in these painful and heavy days.
Thank you for your example, even if we never met personally, but through your words and actions to those around you! God bless you!
A swiss LDS Lindsey Stirling Fan, Rahel